Lost.

The ruling that just happened with Wade has left me feeling all kinds of emotions and those that are closest to me have been having a hard time dealing with me because my emotions are all over the place.

If you don't know already, I am against abortion. I don't understand how anyone would want to throw away a miracle. And that is how I see getting pregnant as. Why? Because for the past 15 years all I have wanted is a big family. I want at the least FOUR children. While I know I can easily adopt and even foster, the hoops are so high, I am terrified I won't be able to. Which in my head leaves only having children.

With how I was in the beginning and how Ryan was always away due to the military, it wasn't working when we did try. EVERY single time someone announced they were pregnant I was so happy for them but at the same time, I felt so unbearably depressed because it wasn't fair that someone was able to have a child and I am over here working so hard on myself, why am I not getting pregnant.

While I am against abortion, I've also learned it isn't MY place to tell another woman she has to keep her baby because it's a miracle. Just like those who get pregnant, those who want to get rid of it make me so unbelievablely angry. Because I am having such a hard time getting pregnant and here they are not even wanting it.

Another thing is I am almost 40, in those 40 years all I have had to show for myself is one beautiful little girl and an associate's degree. Now while some would say that alone is a huge achievement, most of you know my past and how much I have struggled in my life.

To me, I feel like I haven't done anything with my life and I have been just floating by taking advantage of anyone I can. While I know that isn't really the case, I can't help but feel that way.

Now we have the government telling me and every other woman INCLUDING our children that all we are good for is having babies. Because we don't even have the choice anymore to keep it. That is how I feel about the ruling.

So now I am supporting EVERY woman no matter what my beliefs are. Which means I am also struggling with depression and anger. Now on top of all of that, now add the government sees me as a baby maker. If I can't pop out babies, does that mean I am not even good enough? I am struggling so bad having a baby, do I even have a right to get mad?

I want to be in DC and fight. I want to share this story. I want to cry when woman are pregnant. I want to be angry when some of those woman are wanting to get rid of it. I want to share my pain. All my pain.

Because the government took our right to choose, I can't get angry at those who want an abortion. Because they are the ones who need the most support. So even though it is breaking me down, I am here for my fellow woman. Because us women have to stick together, no matter what our personal feelings are.

Thanks for listening,

Meg