Yes, you read that right. This past Monday (7/18), I started taking half a pill of Sertraline for my depression. So far, I am willing not to be myself to have some peace without the trauma. Those around me say it will get better with time, so hopefully that will happen.
What is the bad? The biggest issue is that I am numb and that I am having a hard time feeling any emotions. Like my brain will tell me I am supposed to feel a certain way about what just happened, and instead of feeling that way, I just feel numb. Listening to music and actually FEELING the feelings that go with the song, I just don't feel anything. It is just a regular song I have heard many times, there isn't any magic in it. Driving is another thing that I enjoyed doing, but yesterday on our trip to Walmart for a few things, I just got bored and didn't enjoy it like I usually do. I tried to watch Frozen with Claire this morning, and even she noticed I wasn't as into it as I normally am, and we missed several of our favorite parts to do together. Also, lots of naps, which I am hoping is just a side effect and will get better in time because I can't take naps at school.
What about the good? Apparently, my moods are stable, and I am just chill to be around. They like it and see a huge difference. It has helped me get through some tough conversations that normally I would be a mess to do. I also don't overreact to every little thing, which has calmed those around me down. My biggest plus side is that those boxes that I try so hard to keep closed and not open to hurt me are staying closed, and it isn't a constant battle to keep them closed. If I never explained, I put my trama into boxes and then shove those boxes in the back of my head and pretend like they aren't swallowing me whole.
I feel that being numb and not myself might just be an acceptable trade. I don't have to think about or fight to keep my trama at bay. Yeah, I don't feel like myself and feel like I am a shell of a human. That what makes me, me is missing. That whatever version this is currently isn't who I really am. I hope in time, it starts to even out like everyone is saying, and the me I was will come back. But for now... I really miss me. But I hate those trama boxes more. So forgive the mess that is Meg.
Until Next Time,
Meg
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